Chapter III: The Notorious Jackson
(April 2004)

"For some reason he was scared by this, and possibly the phrase, 'Your life will become a plague of digital harrassment - doom by the worst thing ever invented: numbers - including that dastardly one known as 'pie'."
-Zion "The Book" Cao Cao

At first you may question why this email is included in the history of the guild at all. Besides the fact that I find it very funny, this "Jackson" character mentioned in this email becomes a much more involved part of the history later on and I feel its important to establish the fact that Jackson is a total imbecile and that Zion was well aware of this fact, having proved it himself.

I didn't have time to tell you all the things I did on April Fools day. They were pretty haphazard pranks since I didn't have time to set anything big up, but they worked out pretty well. First I took Jackson's computer monitor during break in web design, and put it on a file cabinet on the other end of the room. When he got back he took five minutes to find it and was freaking out the entire time while everyone just laughed because they could see where the monitor was quite easily. Jackson was oblivious and I eventually had to lead him to it by saying, "cold... hotter... hotter."

For some inane reason Jackson took this as a challenge, which I guess it would be if I believed Jackson had any shot in hell of beating me. He responded with the great April Fools prank of sending me fifteen emails. Oh god no! What am I to do?!? It took two clicks to click select all and delete since GS webmail shows 15 items at once, but his insolence had to be punished. (He's like a Wesley only we're not supposed to have those in High School. He is a fat, socially inept Freshman, however, which is close enough.)

So I thought the only appropriate response was to send him 15,000 emails using worldwebsubmitters.com's service that submits you to hundreds of thousand of FFA pages which serve one purpose: to give your email to spammers. It's the gift that keeps on giving! It only took me five minutes to set five computers in the computer lab to the task. Of course it turns out AOL has better filtering than GS, because he only recieved a few thousand emails in the first day - but the actual difference between 15,000 and 3,500 emails in a day is pretty neglible - it accomplishes the same point.

In response he signed me up for Fox News' Daily News Brief. Oh god the humanity! Beyond clicking "unsubscribe" what am I to do to escape this "no- spin zone" propaganda?!? Well, take the next five minutes during break to write the quickiest program ever - that's what!

Round three: I designed a quick program that quit the Finder. Now on a Mac that's the equivelant of quiting Windows. All that happens then is the Finder starts back up again, but I didn't have time to design anything better. I then put twenty copies in his start-up folder and shut down the computer. I would have done more, but I just didn't have time.

It was hilarious though. He spent the next hour yelling at his computer while the entire class laughed. We had a substitute too who didn't think it was too funny. There was no solution to it but to wait for all of it to complete, which Jackson finially did. Then he opened up his system folder and double-clicked on the program again! Ah, that was great.

Jackson's response? While I went to go do other evil things he opened a program called "Stickies" on my computer and took fifteen minutes writing me nasty notes. Oh no, even the great command-Q (quit) took half a second to fix the problem! What is to be done?!?

Simple, this time I'll design a program that shuts down his computer everytime he turns it on. And I'll put a reinstall program in the shut down folder in case he deletes the one in the start-up folder. And I'll make the files invisible so he won't be able to do that even. And I'll replace all his applications and even his hard drive icon with applications that will reinstall the program and run it. That way the alias to Internet Explorer shuts down his computer - and so will that "reallyimportantdoc.doc" thing he has on his desktop. That'll do it. Buwahahahaha! Admittedly this took me fifteen minutes.

But by the next day our teacher Mr. "Webslayer" Lawrence had returned. Failing to fix the problem with Jackson for about an hour before school he demanded I fix the problem myself, and they hadn't even managed to fix it enough to see the unbeatable genius of everything else. Hearing Jackson's computer turn on and off for ten minutes was really great though. I also forgot a few of the complexities I had put into the program, so halfway through class it happens again. Jackson's computer shuts off while he's halfway done with his website. I think that may have gotten to him.

Final round: I'm not sure Jackson actually struck back. He did send me an email telling me I was "immature" and "a bully" and talked about how he was going to become a 133t haxx0r d00d, although of course not in those terms. My dilemma was what I could do that Mr. "Webslayer" Lawrence couldn't just yell at me to undo.

I knew just the solution: create an app that creates tens of thousands of folders on his desktop and takes a real long time to do it and is unstoppable! That took me less than a minute to program! And it was truly superb.

Jackson had called me the previous night asking for a "ceasefire" in which we both privately knew I won but publically he didn't have to say it because, "people had been talking about this war, and it could be damaging to my [non-existant] reputation." I explained I had never heard of this mysterious word "ceasefire" nor the seemingly related word "peace" having only been taught the concepts of "bringing horrible bloody death to your foe" and "beating a dead-horse until you're damn sure its cells no longer exist - because then they could be cloned by Dr. Kevorkian or John Stark since he looks pretty crazy - and it could come back and maul you! This usually involves burning said horse, dropping elephants on it, setting fire ants on the elephants, laughing (of course), taking a break, and then nuking the whole thing - just to be sure."

For some reason he was scared by this, and possibly the phrase, "Your life will become a plague of digital harrassment - doom by the worst thing ever invented: numbers - including that dastardly one known as 'pie'." So Jackson informed me that I won, and I informed him that the prank I had installed for tommorow was unstoppable, but funny, and I would laugh.

The notorious Jackson.

Go on to Chapter IV: The Evil School Itself