Chapter VII: Slutsky's Big Debut
(August 2004 - September 2004)

"The chaos swirls all about me. I hope to find some sanity in the coming days."
-Zion "The Book" Cao Cao

Zion's time trying to tolerate his parents odd accusations was short. He soon enough was off to Amherst.

These first few days of college SUCK. I don't know anyone, and everyone seems to be far more of an extravert about meeting new people than me. And everyone is putting on an act and being fake about it, so I don't truly know anyone yet. Plus, the only people I talk to back home are calling me about parties I'm missing, (They're trying to invite me because they think I'm still there,) and Ari who leaves me 20,000 messages a day about how she misses me and wishes we could cuddle.

That brings up my biggest complaint, which I doubt you can solve. Before I came I had had sex for about twenty days straight, and that wasn't abnormal. The few occasions where I've had to take a break were when I went on a week long trip or something and at least I knew when I was coming back. But coming to Amherst has driven me crazy! It's inadmirable of me to be eyeing every girl and desperately wanting to hook up with someone since I just ended a ten month relationship - but I am. And not only are the overwhelming majority of the girls poor looking - but I haven't made progress with any of them, (it has only been a day.) For a college that has free condoms in all the bathrooms I'm really disappointed that not one girl has seemed genuinely attracted to me. Bah.

... *sigh* ...

All I told Zion on this subject was that this HAD to be his department. If anyone belonged at Amherst, it was a sex crazed maniac with a dream to run the nation like him. In my mind he was well on his way to being the next Bill Clinton. If thats a good thing or a bad thing is a very debatable point.

I completely agree with you! College is my department! It's just these first couple of days that are like, "Ahhhhh, crap!" for the reasons I described. I went to an upperclassman party last night, which was awesome, and left just before it got busted since there's very few non-freshman here and the campus police assumed that the party had to be mostly freshman.

I think there's a few complaints I have to voice a) I suck at learning names, and they seem to expect me to meet 200 people everyday. b) Most of these folks attended public school, with the interesting advantage of having more than 200 people. I did not. I shall just have to overcome that with my other advantages. c) People seem to be fake and acting right now, which is intensly annoying bullshit. Oh well, I can act even better! d) I haven't had sex in almost a week!!! Tommorow it will be a week! AHHHHH! I'm sure this will be rectified in a fairly timely manner, but what concerns me is no one is getting ANY action right now. Not even making out with other people. The condoms or symbolic of what we don't have, not what we have. Hopefully this changes. Else I'll probably have to be more bold than usual, (I generally hang around girls and wait for them to give me a cue to advance.)

I do agree that part of Zion's problem here is that he never did go to a public school. I attended public school for most of my life until a series of highly stupid events that were out of my control resulted in my dad going totally insane one day and deciding that I needed to be put in a private school. That school of course was Denver Academy, the nefarious school of ultimate evil. I hope one day to tell the story of the school that is simultaneously the most expensive in the state of Colorado and somehow also manages to be an absoulte joke. Today however is not that day. Suffice to say that Zion attended Denver Academy most of his life and it was a very unique envrioment which was not at all like a REAL school. So while Zion was one of the most smooth, subtle and crafty people I've ever known when it came to social situations, he was also socially stunted by Denver Academy at the same time. DA was a very small school where everyone knew everyone else (to some degree) and a guy like Zion could easily play mind games on EVERYONE all at once. While DA should not be confused with Duh's school which Zion later transferred to for high school, Duh's school still had the same core faults which allowed Zion to play mind games on the entire school at once. But a public school does not work the same way. There are too many people to play mind games on all of them. This was also the case with college and a part of Zion's problem.

Zion did work hard at it and eventually started to get the hang of things. But then there was Slutsky.

Last night I went to what many upperclassmen are telling me is the largest Amherst party in memory. Three kegs and alot of assorted alcohol, and pretty much the entire campus there at some point or another. I got to this party at about 11:00 when it was just starting and noticed there was a sign on the door that read in big letters, "Slutsky's Big Debut" with a huge blown up picture of my freshman friend in North - Andrew Slutsky. Now this was at a junior/senior social dorm, and last time I saw Slutsky a couple hours previously he was not famous or letting anything fly about a fucking massive party being held in his honor. So, needless to say this confused me and I wandered in.

The infamous sign in question.

I asked the first person I came upon who didn't look already smashed out of her mind where Slutsky was, and she happened to be one of the hosts of the party. She asked, "Do you know Slutsky?!?" To which I responded, "Yes..." wondering whether this would get me instantly laid, beat up, or something in between the two extremes. Her response was, "Where the fuck is he?!?" Now I had talked to him about his plans for the evening a couple hours previously, and they suspiciously lacked going to this social dorm, Stone, much less going to "Slutsky's Grand Debut Party Where Everyone is Waiting for Him." My basic response was, "I don't know - I'll call him."

So I call Slutsky and tell him that there's a huge party in his honor - and no, I have no fucking clue why. Slutsky's as confused as I am, but since he's on the other end of campus he agrees to start heading over while I figure out wtf is up. The only thing the host had told me was to get Slutsky there, tell him that Alley was hosting it for him, and that he knew who she was. Slutsky had no recollection of being friends or even so much meeting an Alley... so more confusion.

I go back in and find another host of the party, Lauren, who tells me that they don't know him, but merely looked him up in this crazy ass thing called the Face Book, (at www.thefacebook.com) and thought he had the most kickass name ever. She explained to me how it was unprecendented to hold a party for a freshman in the first couple of weeks, (obviously...) and how this obviously was the coolest thing that had ever happened to Slutsky so wtf wasn't he here? While I agreed with much of what she had to say I didn't know if Slutsky would take it the same way.

To explain another irony, Slutsky lives in North, which is the only completely substance-free dorm on campus. Now he didn't opt for it, he just ended up there. This created a stigma towards him, he felt, whenever he told people where he lived. He wanted to carry a flask around to explain to people that he drank. I thought this would be a great way to do that, and was also fairly confident he could get laid.

Slutsky was less than thrilled when I called him, and basically thought this was "the most ridiculous thing ever". He agreed to come, but managed to take a half an hour to get there. Meanwhile I was one of only a few freshman at the ever-increasing-in-size party, and everyone was asking me wtf Slutsky was. Where was the famous Slutsky?!

By the time Slutsky gets there there's no more room in this entire dorm, (the entire dorm, massive basement and all, was turned into a party zone,) and there's at least fifty people haning outside. Slutsky arriving was fabulous.

Strangely enough Slutsky, name or not, didn't hook up that night. In fact, I found out later he's a virgin. Guess it just goes to show.

The infamous Slutsky himself, pictured here with a slut. Doesn't he look like one of the characters in the movie American Pie?

Of course, Slutsky should probably consider himself lucky to be a Virgin. Just take a look at the REAL costs of sex:

I other news alot of crap happened last night. This is the real version which I musn't confuse with the slightly less embarrassing and cleaner version I told a couple of other people. Ari had a breakdown last night that I thought wasn't as bad as the night before. The night before she had called completely hysterical, I answered my phone on the third ring, and had to talk to her for well over an hour, thus ruining my chances with said not really hot girl. So, last night she had another breakdown, but at least she wasn't hysterical. Instead she was asking me in a fairly calm manner to quit Amherst and come home or I didn't love her. I had also writen her something - I forget what - that referred to her as my "former girlfriend" when I was talking to someone else. For some reason this made her really mad. Keep in mind that this is like the second fight we have *ever* had - after I broke up with her! (And the first one might not qualify as a fight it was so minor.) Now I asked her what the hell I should call her and she responded with something like, "'A friend who I will eternally love and adore' and if you don't you don't love me." I disagreed with that madness at that point, perhaps a stroke of honesty too far, and thought I managed to calm her down.

Much to my dismay she IMed me an hour later, drunk as all hell, and kept talking to me for an hour and a half. Eventually since she was drunk she started saying things that really pissed me off. I put up with it for a long while, not wanting to push her off the edge, and eventually asked her if I could go back to playing my game, (finially playing Morrowind now,) since she was really depressing me. She said "fine" and signed off before I could say anything redeeming. Small whistle goes here, that sucked of me, but hopefully it got me out of the situation.

So much for that. Eventually she calls me on my cell angry as hell. When I tell her I don't want to talk to her she says "fuck you" and hangs up. Then she sends me 2 emails and IMs about how much I hurt her, which I choose to ignore as I go to a party.

At the party my phone rings telling me I have a voicemail, and a missed call from "Arielle's Dad." Ah, shit. So I leave the building figuring that's a good enough excuse to check my voicemail, where Ari left a message, "I tried to kill myself and my parents are taking me to a mental hospital for a few days."

Luckily that was mostly a lie. I call back, and talked to her Dad. Evidently she had come down hysterical talking about how I would never speak or see her again, (um... huh?) and he was planning to take her to a mental hospital. I ask if I can help to avert this, and talk to Ari by my phone again, (I REALLY don't want to do this.) Now I'm a) pissed because the one thing Ari promised me as of three months ago when I made it clear that I was breaking up with her was that she wouldn't hurt or kill herself, (She said something ambigious that made me elicit this promise,) and b) damn concerned because I don't want her to kill herself - obviously. Well evidently she wasn't going to kill herself, and didn't attempt to, but just left that message so I would call her back! Then she started yelling at me for hurting her after making that statement! Is there no end to the madness?

No. Apparently there is not. She had come down and told her parents she wanted to kill herself, thus their proper concern. Bleeding from a nail or something stupidly weird like that. Now I don't know if her parents noticed she was drunk as hell, but maybe they just interpreted it as a hysterical breakdown. Anyway, I convince Ari to not pull that shit, manage to get her off the phone with me even though she's still pissed, (fine!) and convince her Dad not to do anything. I have to call "and talk to him" today.

Instructions for Ari when shes ready to get it right.

This is bullshit. The only thing at the party was beer, which I can't get drunk on because I can't drink enough of it due to my stomach surgery. So I went back to my room and drank 9-15 shots. Not quite clear, but I didn't get too smashed since I had to carry on several detailed conversations with people like my roommate who were freaked out by that behavior.

Go to Chapter VIII, The Revenge of Brian Powers